where have all the pigs gone
by catwoman
Summary: all pigs have gone what are they gonna do


Disclaimer: the gang belong to Chis Carter and fox and 1013 and this very boring disclaimer is mine and if doc doesn't like what I'm about to put it can eat me. Doc you know I didn't mean it (is it deliver night) yes it is deliver night, (OH Dam can you get it) yes I'll get it, god she so lazy (I heard that) sorry, now what was I saying oh crap I can't remember.  
  
RATING: PG-13 (so far)  
  
SPOILERS: how the hell should I no I haven't written it yet.(Haven't you even thought about it Dru) NO! Just bugger off will yeah  
  
Summery: someone has stolen Mr. Ormerod pigs (no way you can't do that that's cruel your putting my plans of pig domination on the Internet)  
  
Where are the pigs?  
  
Fox Mulder was staring at his beautiful, intelligent, partner Dana Scully  
  
"Mulder what are you staring at" said Scully embarrassed  
  
"I haven't seen you like this before it looks like you had a one night stand last night"  
  
"MULDER!!..."  
  
"WHAT! I'm only saying what I'm thinking" said  
  
Mulder In a schoolboy tone.  
  
"No Mulder, I want to know how the hell you knew I made love last night"  
  
"I didn't, I just guessed, so who was it?"`  
  
"Mulder you don't want to know"  
  
"Yes I do, so come on tell me, now"  
  
"OK it. Was .em." Scully started to play with her red hair  
  
"Come on spit it out it can't be that bad"  
  
"I know but."  
  
"Come on Scully how long have we been friends? I'm not about to hit the roof, god even if it was agent spe... "  
  
"Agent Spender"  
  
Mulder sat there with his mouth wide open  
  
"Mulder shut your mouth it makes you look like your jealous of him"  
  
"Scully!" Mulder scratches his head going quite red in the face  
  
"What Mulder what"  
  
"Em... Em..."  
  
At that awkward moment skinner walked in  
  
"I'm I interrupting any thing"  
  
"No no, Not at all" said Mulder quickly trying to stop Scully saying anything but...  
  
"Well... " Said Scully butting in  
  
"Then can I see you in my office please"  
  
"OK "Mulder said as he went out of the door  
  
Mulder and Scully were in Skinner's office waiting for him he had got delayed talking to another agent  
  
"So Mulder what do you think"  
  
"About what" said Mulder trying his best to swim out of the conversation  
  
"About me and spender we have been dating for a year now"  
  
"What?" You little bitch I can't believe you, you little slut!"  
  
"What's the matter Mulder? Is it easier to believe that Samantha is alive than that I can actually hold down a relationship?"  
  
Mulder look at Scully with puppy dog brown eyes as if he was about to cry. Yep there he went, yeah, the rat face  
  
"I.I.I can't believe you said that" Mulder said finding it hard to get the words out.  
  
Scully went to put her arm around him but he just pulled away.  
  
"Mulder I... I'm sorry I didn't mean it just the women in my family always have bad PMT and we snap before we think."  
  
Mulder pulled together just in time, just before Skinner came in to the office.  
  
"Mulder are you all right you like you been crying"  
  
"No I just... uh...uh got up late"  
  
"The reason you have been called here is of the greatest of important we have been told by the British intelligence that the pigs of Mr. Ormerods room have been stolen... " (den den dennnn)  
  
"No way this can't be happening" said Mulder with a  
  
Scared tone of voice  
  
"Yes this is happening and you have to go to Britain and find them"  
  
"My god Mulder do you know what this can mean"  
  
"YES Scully I do I'm not thick"  
  
"Right here are your tickets, your flight leaves in half an  
  
Hour"  
  
"We'll be on it"  
  
Scully and Mulder ran to the car and drove to the airport, where they ran through customs on to the airplane. It took off about hour after they got on. They landed in Madeley about 9:00 Monday morning. They went straight to work. They arrived at Madeley high school at  
  
9:10am where they had to sign in at the reception the girl on the desk was looking at Mulder in a very strange way she was tall dark and thin, about 14-15 in age and about 5ft8.  
  
"Can you take me to MR. Ormerod's room please" said Scully.  
  
"Oh yes this way"  
  
She got up and quickly walked off past the stairs and round a corner. Mulder and Scully couldn't keep up  
  
"Here it is be careful Mr. O's a bit on edge"  
  
"Right OK" said Mulder in a caring sort of way.  
  
They walked in to a large over weight man holding a history book over a young boy's head  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVEN'T DONE  
  
YOUR HOMEWORK"  
  
Someone push past Scully and Mulder. It was a girl in a school uniform she look 15-16, blond, about 5ft7  
  
"SIR!!!!" said the girl the man looked around she walked up to him.  
  
"Come sit down" she tries to move him to his desk  
  
"GET OFF ME AND LET ME BEAT HIS BRAINS  
  
OUT"  
  
The boy in the chair started quivering. Mulder had thought to him self...  
  
*I can't let him hurt the boy or that girl, right I'm stepping in* but before he could...  
  
"SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN AND I'LL MAKE YOU A CUP OF TEA,  
  
SIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
The man nearly ran to his seat and sat down and the girl walks over to the blond, 15-16year old.  
  
"Dean, are you all right?"  
  
"I. I'm. a little shaken you know about the ..The  
  
Pi...I is" he broke down and started to cry.  
  
"It's OK, go home Dean I'll sign you out"  
  
"Ar... Are you shore"  
  
"Yeah, go on Dean go on"  
  
He got up down walked out. The girl went to the cupboard and got a kettle out plugged it in.  
  
"Excuse me but are you Mr. Ormerod" said Mulder to the man.  
  
"Yes I...."At that point Mr. Ormerod began to cry  
  
"Now look what you've done." the girl gave Mr. Ormerod a cup of tea.  
  
"Drink this down it will make you feel better." she turned to Mulder "What do you want?"  
  
"We are F.B.I agents, we're here to investigate the pig theft. I'm Fox Mulder and this is Dana Scully and you are?"  
  
"I'm Drusilla, but everyone calls me Dru"  
  
"Dru, is Mr. o all right," said the girl who was on reception.  
  
"And who are you?" said Scully.  
  
"I'm Doc, and who are you?"  
  
"I'm Dana Scully and this is Fox Mulder I meant your  
  
Real name?"  
  
"That is my real name, my Mother's a hippie chic and what's wrong with it?"  
  
"Err... Em... nothing" said Scully scrumming  
  
Mulder was smirking about it  
  
"Dru is he all right"  
  
"Yeah he OK but this jerk up set him. Are you OK Roger?"  
  
"Yes I'm feeling a bit better but I want to go home"  
  
"It's OK Roger your mum going to be here to pick you up in a bit"  
  
"Can we speak to him alone!! For a minute please"  
  
"Yeah sure, if we have to" said doc  
  
"But can you wait out side for a minute we would like to speak with you as well"  
  
"Fine but I have to ring spike" said Dru  
  
"Whose spike?"  
  
"I just wanted to know how nosy you were."  
  
"Actually, he's my boyfriend and he's one of the undead. Happy now?" Doc cut in. They left.  
  
"So Mr. Ormerod can you tell us the day the pigs were stolen?" asked Scully  
  
"In the weekend some time"  
  
"Who found out that they were missing?"  
  
"Dru and Doc came in on Monday and found they were gone"  
  
"And are you free for dinner tonight?"  
  
"Err... Em what?"  
  
"I asked you to dinner, will you go?"  
  
"Yeah. Yes I will"  
  
Mr. O and Scully left by frolicking through the school leaving Mulder to interview the two girls.  
  
"OK can you two come in then"  
  
"Sure" the two girls said in unison.  
  
The two girls came in and sat on the desks. Behind them strolled a 6ft 2 blonde babe. He looked quite hard and  
  
Mulder gulped. He was slapping a chain on his hand and was wearing all black.  
  
"Right OK you two got any tricks"  
  
"Sure" the two girls seemed to know what the other was thinking. Doc got up on to the desk while Dru put on some music and also got up on to the desk when the music started they both started to strip.  
  
"OK that wasn't what I meant but OK" Mulder took of  
  
All his clothe and started tap dancing on the table. The two girls stopped put their shirts back on and just sat there watching Mulder in every way but Doc's eyes never left Mulder's very, *very* large penis. She could see Spike out of the corner of her eye. He was slapping the chain harder and harder and grinned when it cut the flesh of his palm. He bent his head and lapped the warm liquid.  
  
"MULDER!!!!! What are you doing?" Scully was standing in the doorway.  
  
"Scully I can explain I. I can"  
  
"Go on then"  
  
"Well they started to..."  
  
"I don't believe you, oh my god I'm going and I'll for get this ever happened"  
  
Mulder got off the table put his cloths on turn to the girls and said:  
  
"Look you two what do you know about the disappearance of the pigs?"  
  
"We think we know did it"  
  
"So can you tell me please, instead of stripping and tap dancing on Mr. O's desk.!!"  
  
"Yeah of cause her name is Madame blanche a.k.a., Lizzie Turton. She was having an affair with Roger.  
  
"Is that Mr. Ormerod?"  
  
"Yeah that Roger, but I got to go I have to see Mrs. Schroeder be for I go"  
  
"Who's that?"  
  
"She is my math's teacher she a right bitch"  
  
"Ok just don't beat her to death with a math's book"  
  
"OK I won't"  
  
As Dru left a women enter she was tall thin and had stunning long red hair  
  
"Excuse me do you want something," said Mulder  
  
"No I'll just sit at the back for a while"  
  
Just as she sat down Skinner walked in  
  
"Sir what the hell are you doing here?"  
  
"I'm... looking for someone oh there she is"  
  
skinner then went straight to the back of the room and the women started to strip and skinner was holding her and kissing her breast she then her put her hand down his trousers  
  
"Oh... ohhhhhhhhh..........................." said skinner shouting the school down.  
  
"OK I wasn't expecting that"  
  
"Do you think I was I thought Miss pickrell had morals but I guest I was wrong"  
  
"You're telling me ok let's bein..."  
  
"Being what?"  
  
"Oh spike what are doing here? Never mind just kiss me"  
  
Doc had her arms wrapped around spike and they seem to have an animal magnetism too each other. Spike carried Doc to the corner without losing touch of her lips. As soon as they got in to the corner Mulder heard a scream coming for and the corridor he ran out to see Dru hitting someone over the head with a math's book.  
  
"Dru stop..."  
  
"What the hell do you mean it not good enough. This is the fiftieth time you made me do it you bitch you fucking slut, you murderous little cow, you bad no crap math's teacher"  
  
"Oh she a math's teacher that's ok then" Mulder then went back in to Mr. O's room to see that Scully and Mr. O had return. Scully was talking to small women about Scully's size  
  
"Look you over pay American Bitch I know that liver eating mutant's have green hand's"  
  
"No they don't you daughter of a hoar they have yellow"  
  
"Find I've got one in my lab up stairs lets settle this"  
  
"OK!"  
  
"FIND"  
  
They left and all the way down the hall they were arguing. Mulder turn around to see Ratboy getting out from under the desk where Scully had been standing next to  
  
"Mulder how could you let a fit chic like Scully go"  
  
He then left with no reason what so ever for being there except to perve up Scully's skirt. Mulder then looked over at Mr. O he was crying again  
  
"Mr. O what's wrong?" Mulder asked  
  
"OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH................................................" came from the back of the room  
  
"That bad man what's me to smoke a cigarette"  
  
"Which bad man?"  
  
"That bad man"  
  
Mr. O pointed to the stored cupboard there stood CSM  
  
"Come on have one"  
  
Mulder grabbed a book and started hitting CSM over the head with it  
  
"Go away you weird old man"  
  
CSM ran out of the room when a tall, short dark hair woman walked in.  
  
"And how may I help you"  
  
"I'm looking for Doc I'm her drama teacher"  
  
"Oh! She in the corner but she is a little occupied at this moment in time"  
  
"Oh rely I'll shoret that out"  
  
She then march over to the corner grab a near by book hit spike over the head with it, then pick Doc up put her over her shoulder a took Doc out of the room kicking and screaming.  
  
"And people call me weird" Mulder said thinking know one could hear him  
  
"What was that?"  
  
"Oh Dru it's you what are you doing hear"  
  
"Well this is my school and you did wanted to talk to me"  
  
"Oh yes well can we leave..."  
  
Miss pickerell had just tap dancing for skinner nude and this caunt Mulder's eye and has for the finaly of it she did a high kick so her leg got up on to skinners shoulder  
  
"till tomorrow"  
  
"shore it leave me time to hide the body"  
  
"what body?"  
  
"Did I say body I meant blobby"  
  
"Of cause you Dru now what body"  
  
"Know body just a some know body called Mrs. Scoeher who died under the hand of my math's book. When I beat her to death after she said my math's wasn't good and I should do it again so I killed her ha ha ha ha ha" she said in a very evil way  
  
"ok I think you should now Dru go home and get some sleep you've got a heavy body I mean a heavy blobby to carry tomorrow"  
  
"yeah I have so see you tomorrow" 


End file.
